Please Hire Me to Write Your Difficult Emails

Now that I’m pretty much finished with my novel, I’m starting to shop it around to agents. That means a WHOLE LOTTA REJECTION.

Here is one such rejection letter.

Dear Ms. Barnes,

Thank you for including me in your agent queries.  I have reviewed it, and
am afraid I must step aside on this proposed book.

I wish you all the best with your endeavor.

Best, Agent Lady
It lacks coziness, doesn’t it? Or an explanation whatsoever. They often have to use form emails because they get so many queries, but honestly, and I know this from experience, I PERSONALLY can think of personalized responses at almost the rate of pasting text into an email so there because I have superior letting-people-down-genes. Here’s what I would say.
Dear Ms. Barnes,
Thank you for including me in your agent queries. Unfortunately, I’m going to pass on your project. This shouldn’t be considered a reflection on the quality of your work, but is instead a reflection on whether I believe I’m in touch with the right publishing houses that reflect your demographic.
Thank you for letting me read your work, and best of luck with your project!
Best, More Diplomatic Agent Lady
It made me think: I wish people would hire me to write their difficult emails for them. I love that shit! Will you hire me, please? Do you want me to write out your arguments for asking for a raise? Do you want me to write the script when you fire someone? I will do it! Pick me! I love it. I LOVE IT.
EKBmedia (at) Gmail (dot) com.

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