Priests. Professional snugglers. Massage therapists. Psychotherapists. Yoga teachers. Occupational therapists. Fortune tellers. ASMRtists. What do these people have in common? They all make their living by calming folks down, in one way or another.

What if there were something both broader and simpler we could do to calm people down? Something not confined to religion or practice, a single serving size relaxation session.

I personally would love my own calming courtesan. You know, on a stressful night, I text her – “u up?” – and she could be over in an instant. She would be a professional high calmstress, a practitioner of the art of calm. She could bring her cool sheets and vibrating pillows and use all kinds of shiny tricks to calm me down: aromatherapy, massage, affirmations, breathing exercises, sensory integration, play therapy (this is really mostly for kids but hey, adults are starting to like coloring books), gemstones, Reiki, Tarot cards, friggen Himalayan salt lamps and the list goes on. I don’t believe in half of that stuff, but I still find it relaxing.

It sounds crazy but honestly, if you really think about it, there is a giant need for some non-religious, non-structured, non-committal calming the eff down.

It would be a way to deal with general anxiety disorder or bouts of anxiety that pop up without the use of pills or even talking about your problems, necessarily. Which might be a bonus for some people.

Literally the only reason this does not yet exist (or let me know if it does somewhere) is the fault of dudes.

Dudes would ruin this.

Even as I type the idea out, I’m cringing at how many people will read these words and get creepy thoughts in their minds. How many dudes would end up hiring a calmesan and treating her like a courtesan. I mean, ASMRtists get that shit all the time.

I understand that sex is a vital part of our lives, too. I just wish we could separate it out so that there are some non-sexual spaces.

So, we’ll save this one for after the Amazonian revolution……

(I just watched Wonder Woman)

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