Witchcraft for Toddlers

Call me crazy – and I know a lot of people will, for suggesting witchcraft for toddlers – but the main things children are missing these days are sensory experiences and reverence.

My mom is somewhere laughing her ass off. I’m the most irreverent person on earth. Going to church makes me break out into a sweat. I spent most of my childhood giggling through church, actually.

But despite the Catholic thing not panning out for me, I thank my mother for exposing me to something larger than myself.

As I’ve expressed in previous blogs, atheists are missing out on certain things when we eschew religion. Like community, profound sayings, and reverence. That doesn’t mean we need to force ourselves to be religious, of course. It just means we should cultivate these things in our own way.

Waldorf schools are known for holding ceremonies meant to cultivate reverence, gratitude, mindfulness and wonder. I once attended a fall ceremony at a Waldorf preschool in Taos where children lit paper lanterns they had made (with real candles and real fire!) and made a procession out into a grassy clearing under the full moon to recite some poetry.

It was some magical shit.

The children loved it, and no one even caught on fire.

Kids these days are depressed because all they have to think about is themselves. I was boring when I was a kid. The exciting stuff was outside of my head.

Toddlers and preschoolers need more opportunities for catharsis these days. I will fully outline my plan for taking the toddler world by storm with cathartic, majestic Viking/fairy/unicorn style toddler classes on another day. I can’t believe I haven’t posted that yet!

But the point is that they need more opportunities to release their raucous energy – like rock concerts for adults – so they don’t always have to lose their minds over being given the red cup instead of the blue cup.

Maybe it’s the eclipse. Maybe it’s the horrible week in America that’s making me crave some sort of spirituality. But I’ve been wanting to take my kids out into a field where we gather natural materials – feathers, flowers, rocks. And we arrange them into a shrine on our patio. They can choose what the shrine is for – maybe it’s for unconditional love. And we light a candle at the shrine. Maybe we fucking chant something. I don’t know.

Can you imagine how awesome your preschooler’s facial expression would be as you called upon the four elements to summon all-knowing oneness?

I need to watch The Craft again. I’m trying to remember a chant here and all I can remember is “I bind you, Nancy.”

Nancy was scary.

Then I thought, maybe someone should write a book with some easy witchy activities you can do with your children using natural objects and stuff you can find around the house. I mean, it’s obvious, right?

My daughter basically does witchcraft on her own, ALL THE TIME. I just find piles of strange objects arranged so neatly around the house. She chants strange things under her breath while she’s doing it.

In conclusion, I am going to become one of those people who buys gemstones and wears essential oils. Thanks Trump!


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