Your Facebook friend’s dog died. You want to say something uber comforting, empathetic and profound enough to ease their suffering a little.  Ten people already commented with “I’m sorry for your loss,” “condolences” and “you’re in our thoughts.” What’s a Facebook friend to do?

Atheists need a language for horrible things going wrong, too. Here are some less Jesussy twists on religious sayings.

“I’ll keep you in my prayers” = “I’ll think about your predicament with utmost sympathy throughout the day,” “I’ll probably worry about you,” or “I’ll wrack my brain thinking of ways to help and end up with a casserole.”

“Thank God” = “Thank Amorphous Realm of Possibility,” “Thank the Uncaring Void,” “Thank the Grand Unspooling of Events,” “Thank Privilege” or “Thanks mom,” because she’s mostly responsible for your existence.

“God bless you” = “Imaginary Bonus Points for You,” “Happy Thoughts All Over Your Face,” “General Lack of Curses in Your Direction.”

“When God closes one door, he opens another” = “When something shitty happens it affects happiness less than you’d think” or “Don’t fret now; even the good things in life are random and meaningless.”

I think I’m nailing this! Any other religious sayings I should tackle?